


The Way We Were

by the_only_education_worth_having



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Character Death, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Grimmauld Place, Heartache, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Pre-Relationship, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_education_worth_having/pseuds/the_only_education_worth_having
Summary: Sirius gets some of his past life back.





	1. The First Time

Rose awoke with a start. The heavy curtains forced the small room to complete darkness, though she was sure that the sky outside would be just as dark on this winter’s night. She looked at the clock on the bedside table that stated it was 02:35 am. This happened often these days. She’d wake a couple times a night, sometimes just for a moment, other times she would find herself lying awake fighting her mind to go back to sleep. She lay for a moment before deciding that she wasn’t going to fall straight back to sleep and sitting up in bed. The cover fell leaving her torso only covered by thin pyjamas which made her shiver in the cool night air. She pulled the cover back and got up out of bed, deciding to go to the kitchen for a glass of water. Slipping out of the room and shutting the door silently. The hallway was faintly lit. The bathroom light was on which illuminated the landing and guided her way. She turned to make her way downstairs when she heard a faint moaning noise coming upstairs.

Curiously she made her way to the foot of the stairs and listened. It was louder now, though she was uncertain where it was coming from. She rested her hand on the bannister deliberating whether or not to go upstairs. That was when the shouting started. Shouting intermingled with loud cries and screams. She recognised the voice, it was Sirius. In a split second, she made her mind up and jogged up the stairs before coming to stop at his bedroom door. Turning the handle and pushing tentatively the door swung open. It was dark. The only light came from the moon and it streamed in through the long, narrow windows on the wall opposite. She squinted to see what was happening. Sirius lied in bed, covers in disarray due to him tossing and turning rapidly. He wasn’t shouting anymore but he was moaning loudly, troubled by whatever he was seeing in his nightmares. She crossed the messy room, stepping over the books, clothes and empty bottles of fire whiskey that littered the floor. She came to the side of the bed and crouched. Placing a hand on his chest she shook him gently and said “Sirius. Sirius wake up.” But he didn’t respond, “Sirius!” she said forcefully, shaking him more roughly. His eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright, his breathing ragged and his face wet with tears and sweat. Rose stepped back and allowed him to come to his senses. His eyes darted to her face looking at her in confusion, and she started “Sorry, I got up to get something to drink and I could hear you-“ she paused unsure of what to say, “-making noise. I wondered what was going on so I thought I’d check on you. You looked like you were having a nightmare.” Sirius sighed and looked down at the bed covers before nodding. “Do you… I mean do you want to talk about it?” Rose asked tentatively. “No.” he whispered. But she could tell by the look in his eyes whatever he was having a nightmare about had shaken it to his core. She nodded. She didn’t want to push it. There had been a time, a long time ago, where he’d have told her anything. But it was different now and the tension was palpable in the cold winter’s air. She sat perched next to him on the bed unsure of what to do. She didn’t want to push him, but she knew that he needed someone to be with him right now. Sirius wasn’t looking at her, he was actively avoiding her gaze, and instead was staring intently on the blankets frayed edge, where his fingers were playing with small strands of cotton. 

Rose decided that the tension was too much and stood up from the bed. She turned away, deciding what to stay when she felt a large hand grab her wrist. She turned back finding Sirius looking up at her with fear stricken face. “Stay, please.” He whispered. And in that moment she was helpless. The joking and the laughter that usually illuminated his eyes was gone. Instead, all she could see was fear. A lump in her throat she nodded. Seeing him this vulnerable scared her.  
Sirius slid over in his bed and pulled back the covers. She climbed in next to him, turning to face him. She rested her head on his shoulder and placed an arm around his torso. His body was tense, and as she did this she felt him relax. His somewhat muscular body melted into hers and his arm slide under her. Not a word was spoken. After a while, she felt his breathing even out and she took a quick peek at his face to see if he’d fallen asleep. He had, and it was only then that she allowed herself to let sleep consume her. 

Morning came round quickly. Though it was late November the sun was still fighting to be seen and Rose awoke to bright sunlight illuminating the large room. Her eyes opened a smidge and as they adjusted to the light she found that she was on the edge of the bed, facing the window. Turning over she found that she was alone. Sitting up in bed, she stretched before getting up. The room was tidy now. The floor had been cleared all evidence of a late night drinking session had been wiped away as if it had never happened. Crossing the room she slipped out of the door and downstairs to her bedroom where she dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. Number 12 Grimmauld place was a large and draughty building which meant that in the winter the hallways were scarcely warm. The only source of heat was from the fires that Kreacher lit in each room at the start of the day. Entering the kitchen and she found breakfast laid out on the table. Sat either side of the long kitchen table where Sirius and Remus in deep discussion. She slid onto the bench beside Remus, and pulled a piece of toast from its holder and began buttering it, whilst listening in on their conversation. It was about the order, there was a meeting being held this afternoon to discuss guard duty for the next week. 

Rose was still half way through her breakfast when Remus got up from the table. Clearing away his plates and cutlery he made an excuse about an urgent message he had to deliver though Rose suspected this was simply meant he was going to see Tonks but was too shy to admit it. Picking up his bag he bid them goodbye and with a small pop, he was gone. They sat in silence for a minute before Sirius busied himself tidying away whilst Rose carried on eating. She didn’t know how to approach last night with him. She wanted to let him know that there was nothing wrong with what happened and that she was here if he should ever need her again but didn’t know how to say it. Rose cursed herself. Years ago she would have been able to say anything to him, but now it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t her place. Sirius finished tidying and grabbed the bucket that held Buckbeak's food in it and headed to the door. Rose decided in a split second to speak to him and hurriedly said “Are you okay? After last night I mean, I mean you weren’t exactly feeling the best that you- and well you-. Well just, are you okay?” Sirius had turned to look at her, his eyes on her face in a fixed steely gaze.  
“What about last night?” he asked coolly.  
“Well you know,” Rose shifted in her seat, “you had a nightmare. It’s alright, it happens and if you want to talk-“  
“-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sirius replied and before she could say anything he had flitted out of the room without a backwards glance. She heard his footsteps climb the staircases and Buckbeak's door slam shut. Rose sank back in her chair. ‘What was all that about’ she thought, flummoxed by what had just happened. Okay so maybe he was a little embarrassed. Fair enough but there was no reason for him to be annoyed with her. She hadn’t done anything! Except help him when he needed someone. Maybe she was wrong, maybe she should have just left him to it. But how could she? Leave him, in distress like that. She couldn’t understand what his problem was. 

However, she decided to put it to the back of her mind and set about her day. She washed up her plate and put it back in the cupboard. She grabbed her coat from the coat rack in the hall headed to work. At work, the hours dragged by until finally the clock hit 5 pm and then she headed to the great hall of the ministry and floo’d back to headquarters. Though she had elected not to think about Sirius all day, she found her the conversation from this morning creeping into her thoughts quite frequently. As the hours ticked by she had found herself becoming more and more irate his behaviour. When she arrived home he was nowhere to be seen, Remus was in the kitchen preparing for the Order Meeting that night and Rose was forced to sit and stew, whilst making polite conversation about their days. 

Within the next hour members of the order flooded in in droves and stationed themselves in the kitchen. Chatter filled the large room and Rose sat talking to Tonks, Remus and Kingsley waiting for Dumbledore to arrive. Sirius was nowhere to be seen. The kitchen fire glowed green as Dumbledore stepped out into the kitchen and greeted the order. Noise levels died down as Dumbledore made his way to the end of the table and sat down. All eyes turned to face him as he began to speak but Rose couldn’t help but notice the kitchen door open and Sirius slip in, sitting down at the end of the table. The meeting was eventful, Voldemort’s side was still working in the dark, though they were becoming more brazen by the day and closer to getting the prophecy. Dumbledore informed them that security was tightening following Sturgis Podmore’s arrest, so they must be extra vigilant whilst on watch. Rose tried to listen intently but her mind kept wandering as did her gaze. Every so often her eyes would flick over to watch Sirius who was staring at Dumbledore intently though she was sure he could feel her watching him. She was distracted do much so she didn’t hear Dumbledore speak to her and only looked up after a quick elbow in the ribs from Remus. “You can cover guard duty tomorrow yes?” She nodded meekly at Dumbledore as if she was a school child who had been caught talking behind the teachers back. A few more deliberations and the guard rota was completed. A few members dispersed but the majority stayed as Molly Weasley had planned dinner for everyone. The conversation was light, topics from the meeting steadfastly avoided and Rose spent most of the time talking to Tonks. It was evident, though they were sat near, that Sirius was actively avoiding her. He spoke to her as little as possible and when he did it was short and uninviting. This did not go unnoticed and Rose could see Tonks shift uncomfortably at the tension and Remus’ eyes narrow in curiosity. 

The order finally dispersed around 9 pm and Remus, Sirius and Rose were left alone in the kitchen. Remus and Rose made a start tidying up whilst Sirius made an excuse about writing a letter to Harry before leaving the room and retreating to his bedroom. Rose moved plates and dishes to the sink and started washing them as Remus threw away leftover food and empty bottles that their guests had accumulated in their stay. They worked in amicable silence for around five minutes before Remus said: “What’s going on?” Rose looked up but carried on washing dishes.  
“What do you mean?” she asked nonchalantly though she was sure she knew what was coming.  
“Between you and Sirius. He’s off with you today.”  
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Remus snorted, “Come off it, every time he’s so much as breathed you’ve looked at him. Don’t think I didn’t notice you weren’t paying attention. That’s what the dig to the ribs was for.”  
“Oh yeah! Thanks for that by the way,” she replied sarcastically, “And okay he’s in a mood with me, but you’ll have to ask him what it’s about.” Remus raised an eyebrow unconvinced. “Honestly, it’s something to do with last night but I don’t know what’s got his wand in a knot.”  
“What happened last night?” Remus enquired, he stopped collecting rubbish and sat down at the kitchen table waiting for her to tell him the tale. Rose followed suit, removing her washing-up gloves and taking a seat opposite him, sighing.  
“He had a nightmare,” she stated, “I got up to get a drink of water and I could hear a sort of whimpering. I went upstairs to check it out and found him in bed having a nightmare. So I woke him up and calmed him down. And this morning, I said I’m here to talk if he wants but he basically told me to get lost and that last night didn’t happen. I don’t know what he’s being so dramatic about.”  
“Maybe he’s embarrassed.”  
“Why it’s just me? I’ve seen him worse, believe me.”  
“But things aren’t like they used to be. Maybe he wants to be like he was, he has changed y’know.”  
“You think I wouldn’t notice he’d changed. Of course he has, 12 years in Azkaban is enough to shake up a person. He can’t think that I would judge him for having nightmares after what he’s been through.”  
“Maybe. He may have changed, but he’s still a man.”  
“Well, he’s going to have to realise that I don’t care about his masculinity. Not if he’s hurting himself to put on a brave face. I mean honestly all he did was ask me to stay with him for the night, it’s hardly like asked him to hand in his man card or something.”  
“You stayed the night with him?”  
“Yeah,” Rose said slowly, “Why?” she said inquisitively as a curious look had dawned on Remus aged features.  
“No reason, maybe you staying made him feel a bit helpless that’s all,” Remus said shrugging, but Rose felt that there was more behind that question than Remus was admitting to, though she opted to let it go. Remus and Rose then decided to relax in the library and spent a couple of house reading before Rose couldn’t keep her eyes focused on the words in front of her and was forced to retreat to her room. She changed for bed and was asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.


	2. They Just Keep On Coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nightmares keep just keep coming

Days after that passed in a blur. Rose didn’t know how she found the time to do everything. Work was hectic and when she wasn’t at work she was doing things for the Order. It seemed to her that she spent no time at headquarters which suited her just fine, Sirius was still being icy with her much to her annoyance. On Wednesday night she got home very late. Broderick bode had been found injured and had been taken to St Mungo’s leaving guard duty empty, and having volunteered her services straight after work she was left exhausted. She entered through the front door and made her way wearily up the stairs to her bedroom. As she made her way across the first landing she heard loud noises, coming from above. She knew Remus was out tonight as it was a full moon which meant it could only be Sirius.

Stood halfway up the stairs she deliberated on what she should do. That noise was probably him knocking something over, his dreams having caused him to become restless in bed. Should she go and wake him? Surely that was the right thing to do but why should she. All she’d done last time was try to help and she had not had one ounce of gratitude. She turned to head back downstairs before her better judgement took hold of her and forced her back on her original path. Again she found the room a mess, including empty whiskey bottles, and Sirius tossing and turning rapidly in bed drenched in a thin layer of sweat. She found him easier to wake this night, the demons that plagued him in sleep unable to hold on to him as she shook him awake. His eyes darted open and saw her face staring down in concern. Relief washed over him and he found himself pulling her into a tight hug. 

It was easy to be annoyed at her during the day. In the day time, he could busy himself and keep the thoughts at bay, allowing himself to believe that she was just interfering where she didn’t need to. But now the horrors of Azkaban still fresh in his mind he couldn’t help but feel grateful that he had someone here to fend off the demons with. Sat on the edge of the bed she felt his body press against her. His heavy breath was warm against her neck, though his bare torso was cold and clammy, and she could feel his heart beat rapidly in his chest. They had done this a thousand times before but where she had once felt muscle she now felt bone. 

Neither of them were sure how long they sat there for. Sirius was scared to let her go, the feeling of someone close to him kept his mind at ease. The prospect of going back to sleep was daunting, having her near meant that he didn’t have to. Eventually, she pulled away. Rose leant back and assessed the situation. He seemed visibly calmer and she feared that staying there any longer would cause an argument in the new light of day. “I’ll go then, seeing as you’re alright now,” she said rising from the bed and heading for the door. “Don’t,” Sirius replied.  
“Don’t what?”  
“Go. Don’t go. Stay for a bit, please,” he asked, a hint of pleading in his voice. 

Normally Rose would have agreed but his actions throughout the day replayed in her head causing anger to bubble inside her chest. Folding her arms she replied.“Why should I? You don’t need me, you’ve made it quite clear that last time I was nothing but an annoyance.”  
“Yes well-“  
“Yes well, what? All I tried to do was help you in a difficult time. I mean I wasn’t looking for thanks but a bit of gratitude wouldn’t go a miss. You basically ignored me and made me feel like a complete idiot for trying to help you! In fact, I even contemplated not coming to check on you tonight. I was going to leave you to deal with it yourself since you’ve been so petty. ”  
“I didn’t mean it,” Sirius said, “Not really. It’s just sometimes I forget. I forget that this is my life now. That I’m stuck here day in day out and I let myself just be. I enjoy being in peoples company or I feel like I’m making a valuable contribution to the order. Anything like that and that’s when they happen. That’s when they sneak up on me. The nightmares. They creep in when I let my guard down and remind me of everything I saw in there. What he did. So when you came to me and were so nice, I wasn’t thinking. I asked you to stay in a stupid attempt to ward off the nightmares but it didn’t work. I’ve still been waking with them. But when I came downstairs the first morning I decided that I was going to try and stop that from happening. That if I kept everyone away, kept myself unhappy it would work.”  
“And? Did it?”  
“Course not,” Sirius snorted, “I don’t know what I was thinking. They’re going to happen either way which I why I want you to stay if you will.” He looked down uneasily and Rose’s resolve dissolved. “Suppose it’s easier to tackle if you’ve got someone to tell you when they’re happening,” he smirked, a glint of his old self sparkling in his eyes. Shaking her head Rose replied “Fine. I’ll stay.” 

And with this Sirius moved over to the other side of the bed and pulled back the covers making room for her to climb in. She settled in next to him and they laid there in silence. Rose wanted to wait for him to fall asleep, before she slept herself, but she could feel her eyes getting heavier the events of the day weighing her down and pulling her under into a deep slumber. Sirius felt her breathing get heavier, her body becoming dead weight beside him and knew she was halfway asleep. Quietly he said her name. She mumbled a response but he wasn’t convinced she was awake but he continued nevertheless. He had never been good at apologising, “I just wanted to say, I am sorry y’know, for how I acted.” But Rose didn’t respond. Sirius assumed she had fallen asleep. 

But to be honest he wasn’t sure what he was apologising for. Of course he’d been a dick the past few days but he wasn’t sure why. That spiel he’d given her about fighting off the nightmare sure that had been partially true but it wasn’t the whole reason. He cast his eyes over her sleeping figure, contemplating. She had rolled over now, an arm coming to rest across his stomach, her head next to his and close enough he could feel her breath on his neck. He supposed that he’d gotten scared. Not of the nightmares. Of being happy. 

Because having her lied next to him, had made his heart swell. Memories of the way they were had flooded his brain and he’d allowed himself to erase the past 14 years out of his mind just for a second. And that had scared him. Because those 14 years had happened. And there was nothing he could do about that and it’s not as if they’d ever be able to go back there. So he chose to push her away. And he had been miserable, even more so than usual. So when she appeared tonight at the edge of his bed, he had clung to her, allowing himself to spend time in that happy place until he was pulled back to reality. But now he wasn’t choosing to beat himself up about it. He was going to embrace it. She was willing to help him and if that meant he could pretend for just a little while he was going to let her.


	3. Mr Weasley Attacked

In the passing weeks having Rose sleep beside him became routine. Either Sirius would wake to find himself being shaken or if things were really bad he’d make his way downstairs and slip into bed beside her. She didn’t mind and when morning came they’d go about their business as usual. This routine was never commented on by either of them though Sirius’ icy moods had lifted considerably. As Rose’s work quietened down around the Christmas period work at the order steamed ahead. Hagrid was back from his mission and it seemed Voldemort had been recruiting forces well ahead of them. Worrying as it was it only fuelled the orders plans to recruit more people and make them see the truth. But thanks to ministry failings and daily prophet propaganda these plans were being thwarted. 

When Rose wasn’t busy with work or duties she spent her time at headquarters. Remus was scarcely seen. He stayed away from the house around full moons so a good few days of the month he was missing. And it was true that he was one of the only order members without a permanent job so most duties fell to him, but Rose suspected he would be around a lot more often if some of those guard duties didn’t include a certain metamorphous (not that he was ‘encouraging anything’). This meant that Rose spent most of her time keeping Sirius’ company. She suspected hearing about everyone’s work was frustrating him. And so, she kept him busy. They continued to empty the house of all the Black family heirlooms and spent time tending to Buckbeak. Rose taught Sirius how to cook, properly she might add. But mainly they talked. Sirius was enthralled to hear about everything he’d missed whilst in prison. He learned about her life. Her career through the ministry, how she’d grown up. And little by little he opened himself up in return. He let her peek into the window of those dismal 12 years. How he’d kept his sanity and clung to his innocence. However, every now and then they’d touch on a subject that hit a nerve. The conversation would come to a screeching halt and they both knew what this meant, move on. So they did. They kept it light but their connection grew. In a few short weeks with only each other for company it had blossomed into a great friendship again. But something still wasn’t right. They weren’t like they used to be and that feeling lingered over the both of them.  
Lying in bed one night Rose felt a familiar weight on the other side and the tell-tale groan of the springs signalled that Sirius’ had joined her for the night. She knew that this was not for her benefit but a way for him to cope with the nightmares but she couldn’t help feel the familiar warmth spread through her chest as he settled in behind her, his arm coming across her stomach his forehead pressing against her back. Content she fell back to sleep. 

The next thing she was aware of was Sirius jumping out of bed, and Remus’ at her bedroom door. Confused she stretched and rubbed her eyes wearily and got up to follow Sirius from the room. As she came out of her door she found Sirius disappearing upstairs and Remus waiting for her on the landing. His cast his eyes over her with a knowing look and Rose suddenly felt like a teenager who had just been caught doing something they shouldn’t. But now was not the time, she needed to know what was happening. Whatever reason he had got them out of bed for she had missed. “What’s going on?” she asked.   
“Arthur Weasley has been attacked,” Remus answered her grimly. “Severely injured but he’s been found and rushed to St Mungo’s.”  
“Who attacked him? Who found him?” so many questions bubbled in her mind but she had to keep them from flowing out, allowing Remus time to answer.  
“A snake. Suspected to be Voldemort’s very own and it was Harry who found him.”  
“Harry?!” She replied, feeling her heart leap into her throat and her stomach turn to knots “But how could he? He didn’t even know Arthur was there, he's hundreds of miles away I don’t understand-“  
“Neither do I,” Remus replied calmly, “It is thought that he’s had some sort of vision, premonition even. He rushed straight to Dumbledore’s office and alerted him. Arthur was found by our own and rushed to the hospital. It was lucky that I was awake, Dumbledore sent Phineas Nigellus through to this painting to tell us that Harry and the Weasley children will be arriving here by portkey shortly. I can’t stay I’m afraid, I have to pick up the slack on guard duty, so it’s up to you and Sirius to be here when they arrive.” Rose nodded but didn’t meet his eye. She was too busy trying to get everything straight in her own mind. Remus placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder and smiled, before turning on his heel and descending back downstairs to leave. 

As he did this Rose heard another pair of feet on the stairs and looked to find Sirius, now fully dressed, coming towards her. His face was concerned, seriousness etched onto his handsome features.“You’re up to speed then,” he enquired looking at her face, his brow furrowed. She nodded but her mind was on poor Arthur. This war was becoming more dangerous by the day and she couldn’t bear to think of what would happen if he didn’t pull through. Sirius noticed she was in a world of her own and placed his fingers gently on the bottom of her chin, tilting it to look at her. “He’ll be okay you know.” Rose swallowed and nodded, trying to force confidence she replied: “I know.” But her tone didn’t even convince herself. Letting his hand fall from her face he said, with a faint smile “We can’t be negative you know. The kids are on their way and if we panic they will so we need to put on a brave face. It’ll be alright, it has to be.” And then he moved past her and headed downstairs to get ready for the kids. 

Rose re-entered her room, thoughts galloping through her mind. How would they manage without him if he didn’t pull through? Not just the kids but Molly too. And she thought of Percy, outcast from his family, not knowing that his father could be dying at this very minute. Then she thought of Harry, sure he had her, Sirius and Remus. But Arthur was a role model for him. What would he do if he lost someone else? And how could it be that he had a premonition about this? Had he had them before? Why didn’t she know if he had?  
She decided not to dawdle any longer but instead to dress and to head to the kitchen to see if Sirius knew what was going on with her godson. Sure they had been in contact for longer but there was a bond Sirius had with Harry that she didn’t. She supposed it was because they both saw each other as a substitute for James. 

It took her longer than expected to find clean clothes and have a wash so by the time she made it downstairs the kitchen was full. Four redheaded children sat at the long kitchen table accompanied by Harry. The Weasleys looked pale and grief-stricken, worry evident on their weary faces but Harry was chatting animatedly to Sirius informing him of what had happened and what he had seen, it was obvious that Sirius had been privy to knowledge like this before. Eventually, as they all sat around the table silence fell, until the elder Weasleys became irate with their circumstances and wanted to leave. Several minutes of quiet reasoning and a knowing look shared between the two adults led for distractions to be installed. Breakfast was thrown together and polite small talk forced amongst the party to keep the worrying thoughts at bay. A couple of hours later, the Weasleys had started to crash. Mrs Weasley had stopped by with an update and had informed her children that Mr Weasley would be just fine and that they would be able to visit sometime in the day. It was after this that Rose decided that she wanted to be kept in the loop and that meant getting Sirius alone. So she encouraged the children, Harry included, to go and make themselves comfortable in some of the many rooms and rest. 

As Harry left the kitchen to go upstairs Rose followed behind him and gently shut the door. Turning she went back to the table and sat down quietly. She watched as Sirius moved the butter beer bottles and waited. He was humming quietly and though it was wrong to find happiness in the misfortunes of others she knew that he was overjoyed to have Harry under his roof again. Rose cleared her throat and Sirius turned round to face her, turning over a cloth in his hands. “So?” she said, raising an eyebrow and giving him a piercing stare causing Sirius to fidget uncomfortably. He wasn’t sure what he’d done but that all too familiar look told him he was in big trouble. “So what?” he replied.   
“A full explanation. Of everything that’s going on with Harry, and I mean everything. I know you know everything, so start talking.” Sirius sighed and ran a hand down his face. Placing the cloth on the counter top he stepped forward and sank onto the bench.   
“Alright,” Sirius started and then he went into the whole tale. The dreams Harry had been having about Voldemort before the Tri-wizard tournament and how they’d continued to now. How Dumbledore thought there was a connection there and how Harry was scared about how he may be similar to Voldemort. He told her all about Umbridge, though she’d heard a lot of this at the meetings, he told her about encouraging them to start the DA. At this Rose stopped.  
“You encouraged them to start a secret group right under the nose of that old cow!” she shouted.  
“Calm down, it’s not that bad. What’s life without a little risk?” Sirius reasoned but Rose was not swayed in the slightest.   
“A secret organisation that if found could not only get Harry into trouble but all of his friends and Dumbledore himself. Harry needs to keep himself out of trouble.”  
“I think Harry has a predisposition, quite like his father and I, to get into trouble.”  
“All the more reason for you not to encourage him to actively seek it out.”  
“Well if you must know I thought it a brilliant idea. That old toad isn’t teaching them anything and in this day and age, I would think it’s better for them to know what they’re doing. Could you imagine how much this would have helped if we’d had it, before the first war.” He took her hand in his and looked at her. With this, some of her resolve melted. She rarely saw this side of Sirius, he was a hot head and not the best decision maker but now he seemed level headed, reasonable even. She huffed a big sigh and smiled, “When did you get so reasonable?” 

“It wasn’t by wanting to believe me. But I guess I have to be sensible when it comes to Harry at least.” They stayed sat like that for at least another hour, talk had turned to James and Lily and though this subject was painful they shared happy memories. Neither of them could believe how similar Harry was to his parents have never known them. Sirius argued he was James’ boy through and through but Rose begged to differ. She saw Lily in him so much, his soft and caring nature shining through at her more than James’ attitude or wit. They could both agree however that if not for Lily’s bright green eyes, Harry would be his father’s double. They were enjoying themselves so much that they hadn’t heard their godson slip downstairs and eavesdrop on their conversation.


	4. Christmas

Christmas break was a quiet affair though a happy one. The first few days ran in a pattern. Everyone would wake and have breakfast then the morning would consist of Christmas activities up until lunch. In the afternoon the Weasleys would leave to visit Arthur and Harry, Sirius and Rose would spend some time together. Rose couldn’t believe the change in Sirius. His excitement of having Harry around hadn’t gone unnoticed and she could even see some of his old self shine through. Harry liked hearing stories of the past. They had made an elective decision to stay away from tales of the first war and stuck to old school stories instead. Listening to these tales causes Harry’s heart to swell, just hearing of his parent’s life filled him with joy though he couldn’t help but feel jealous. But the more time he spent with his godparents the more he felt like he was clawing back some of the family he’d missed out on. 

To keep themselves busy whilst alone they had started to decorate the house. Old decorations had been dug out from the loft, though the Black’s taste was garish and too dark for a happy holiday. This caused Sirius to promptly send Rose and Harry out on a mission to buy the most decorations they could and bring home a Christmas tree. Although they managed to get brilliant decorations Sirius was unhappy with their choice of tree. In his opinion, it wasn’t quite up to scratch and promptly stuck an engorgement charm on it so it was tall enough to reach the ceiling. 

Trimming the tree was a job for everyone. They chose to do it the muggle way as using magic wasn’t as fun. Mrs Weasley baked fresh mince pies and mulled wine and once the tree was decorated they sat down eagerly for dinner. Remus and Kingsley joined them and most of the conversation revolved around tips for the DA. Hermione, Ron and Harry were eager for tips to use when they started back after the break and the adults were overflowing with knowledge. Though Rose didn’t fully approve yet she was lenient with the men and even gave a few tips of her own. “Levicorpus is a good disarming spell I’ve found but-” Sirius advised but he was quickly interrupted by Hermione.  
“The levitation spell. How would that disarm an opponent?”  
“Well it won’t,” Remus weighed in, “But it’s hard to fight back against anyone dangling in the air.”  
“But it’s only good for one person, to be honest,” Kingsley’s deep voice interjected, “You can’t fight more than one person if you’re trying to levitate someone else.”  
“True,” Sirius conceded. Harry nodded thoughtfully, he’d definitely have to practice that before the start of term. Perhaps he could get Sirius to teach him how. Dinner was coming to an end and Mrs Weasley announced that she was going to head back to the hospital for evening visiting. “We’ll come, mum,” said the twins in unison and Ginny also volunteered. Ron elected to stay behind with his friends, agreeing to come tomorrow. One by one the Weasleys disappeared through the kitchen fireplaces green flames. Soon after Kingsley was biding his farewells too. As he left Rose said, “Right then, I suppose we need to clear away all these dishes.” And she stood up collecting their plates and heading to the sink. Sirius watched her before getting up and joining her at the sink. He brought the remaining plates and assumed the role of the dryer. They worked in rhythm as this routine familiar to them over the past weeks. Remus headed to the library whilst Ron and Hermione excused themselves but Harry made an excuse to follow on in a minute. Without them knowing he watched them curiously, trying to find the meaning in their actions. Like the way, Rose threw her head back when she laughed at something Sirius had said. Or the way Sirius’ smile went from ear to ear as the chatted in low whispered. Harry smiled as he watched them. He thought about what may happen at the end of this year, how perhaps he could move in here now that everything was more stable. How he didn’t have to worry anymore about going back to school, he knew Sirius would be fine without him if he had someone here. But he couldn’t help but feel a knot in his stomach too. Doubts niggled at his mind and he couldn’t help but think that it was going too well. 

“Harry!” Hermione’s voice called from somewhere in the house. At this, Harry put these doubts aside and got up from the table. The bench scraped on the wooden floor as he rose which got the attention of his godparents. “Oh, Harry!” Rose said, “I hadn’t noticed you were still here.”  
“Oh yeah,” he replied,” I was just making note of some of those spells we were talking about before.” He lied gesturing to the pen and paper Hermione had had at dinner. “You don’t need any help do you?” he asked. They shook their heads and Harry nodded, picking up the paper and plodding out of the room towards Hermione calls. Rose and Sirius exchanged curious glances but thought nothing of it, electing to believe Harry, neither of them had even noticed he was still there. 

Harry entered the study were Hermione and Ron were waiting for him. He listened at the door for a minute before shutting it fully and sinking into an armchair opposite his friends. “Where have you been?” Ron enquired, munching on a mince pie he’d snuck out of the kitchen. Hermione looked at him reproachfully but turned her gaze on Harry equally as inquisitive.   
“I was watching Sirius and Rose. I’ve been thinking, you don’t think that they are. Y’know, together?” Ron snorted but Hermione’s face suggested that she didn’t think this was so far-fetched.   
“Well,” Hermione started, “I wouldn’t have said so when we were here this summer but these past few days I’m not so sure.”  
“Oh, and how do you know?” Ron asked   
“Again Ronald you never fail to surprise me. I know because my emotional range is higher than a teaspoon. It’s just the way they’ve been acting.”  
“They’re mates,” Ron said  
“Well yes, but I always suspected that they’ve been more than that before.”  
“Really?” Harry asked, concerned. Hermione leant towards him.  
“I’m not sure. But it would explain why your parents chose them to be your godparents. It’s usually a couple chosen so they can look after the baby if anything happens-“Hermione caught herself but a lump had already risen in Harry’s throat. The teasing of what might have been flooding through his mind. Hermione continued in a light tone that was clearly forced, “Maybe they’re just friends. Anyway, Sirius seems better in her company maybe he won’t be as childish with her around.”  
“He’s not childish,” Harry argued, “I think if I was locked up here all year, I’d be a little moody.” His face twisted into a scowl and Hermione knew better than to push him. Instead, she turned the conversation to the DA but harry head was still swimming in the idea of family and what used to be. He didn’t have long to stew though as Sirius and Rose joined them soon after and they spent the night playing exploding snap. Harry continued to watch them and made a mental note to speak to Remus when he had a chance.


	5. Christmas Continued

Morning rolled around too soon as it was Christmas Eve the house was in chaos. Arthur was due to be discharged this afternoon ready for Christmas so the Weasley clan were spending the morning preparing for his return. Rose had last minute shopping to do and was joined by Remus and Hermione which meant that Harry and Sirius spent the morning together. Around half 11 decided to work on some spells for the DA before lunch. They chose to practice in the drawing room, away from the others and away from Mrs Weasley’s disapproving gaze. They worked in amicable silence most of the time. Sirius was a good teacher and Harry seemed to learn a lot. Like Remus, he wasn’t afraid to let Harry have a go at even the most advanced spells. Though they were both distracted. 

Sirius was fretting about whether Remus would get all of his gifts right and Harry was debating whether or not to bring up last night’s topic of conversation. He was thinking of an angle to come at the subject from when Sirius distracted him from his thoughts as Sirius came up beside him and altered his wrist position. He was explaining how angling his arm this way would cause maximum force with little effort when Harry made the snap decision to ask him and blurted out “Sirius, why did my parents pick you? As a godfather I mean.”  
“Well, I was your parent’s best friend. So I was the best choice. I was someone to look after you if anything happened to them. If circumstances were different, that’s what would have happened.”  
“But they picked Rose as well.”  
“Well she was their best friend too, it’s common to have a godmother and godfather.”  
“I know. But I thought you were supposed to pick a couple,” Harry said feigning naivety, “That it was supposed to be married people who’d look after a baby and stuff.”  
“Well sometimes it is Harry,” Sirius sighed, pausing what he was doing, “We used to be a couple you see. When your parents had you they chose us as they thought it’s where you’d be most stable.”  
“What happened?”  
“It’s complicated and you wouldn’t understand.” Harry snorted at this reply and angrily said “I’m not a child you know. And if you’re together now you can just tell me. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.” 

Sirius sighed. Placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder he said:“I know that. And I don’t doubt that you want to know everything but it was a long time ago. Before your parent’s death, before the war really started. I was young and foolish and rehashing the past doesn’t help in some cases. Nothing’s going on either. I don’t know why you’d think that. Best just leave it be.” Harry looked at his godfather prematurely aged face. He had so many questions but he knew better than to push it. Sirius clapped Harry affectionately on the cheek and returned back to his work. Though this discussion had left his stomach in knots. Was he really so obvious that even a child could see through him? Did Rose suspect anything? Yes, they’d become like they used to be but Rose was just trying to be a friend. They’d never be together again, he was sure of that. He’d hurt her too much in the past and the damage was done. Sorrow washed over him. He didn’t want to hurt her again, but getting this close it was inevitably going to happen. And he couldn’t do that, to her or Harry.

But that day he couldn’t help himself. He enjoyed the company of his friends and family and that night he climbed into bed next to the woman he loved, pulling her close. But as she fell asleep and he looked down at her peaceful face he promised that after Christmas he’d stop. To protect her. To protect himself.


	6. The Cold War

January rolled round in no time and Rose found herself back at work sooner than she wanted. Spring term had started at Hogwarts and the house was now empty without the abundance of children and the Weasleys. Though this was not Rose’s issue. Her issue was how quiet the house was. As soon as Harry had left Sirius’ mood had turned sour. He was moody and distant and now spent most of his time alone in Buckbeak’s room. Rose tried not to worry too much, she knew how much he missed him when he was at school and how he despised the idea that he would be having one to one lessons with Snape. But she had figured that this new depression would only last a few days and he would start to come back to himself again. It had been weeks and she had barely seen him. 

It had been a long day at the office. Work was stressful and today there had been several major incidents. To those who weren’t oblivious it was suspected that these were death eater activity which meant her workload wasn’t just increased due to the ministry but because of the order as well. Due to the location of headquarters being a secret she was forced to apparate home and enter through the front door. Stepping through the door, she stopped to hang up her coat and walked down the long narrow hallway. The house was quiet. Sighing she made her way to the kitchen, which was deserted, and she sat at the kitchen table to do some work. 

Upstairs Sirius was locked in Buckbeaks room. His routine had come to his over the past few weeks. He would stay in bed late, getting up when everyone had left. He'd eat and then he’d potter about the house, dealing with whoever from the order came to visit. Around 5 pm he’d retire to his own room or Buckbeak’s ensuring he was out of the way for when Rose got home from work and he would stay there until she had gone to bed. Sometimes he was forced to come down and attend a meeting but at these time he had the support of other people to get him by. Sure he’d talk to her but he would be reserved. When trapped in his room he had plenty of time to think, which wasn’t always a good thing. He’d had 12 years of being alone with his thoughts. That was enough. He did deliberate however what she thought of his behaviour. Surely she was angry at him but Sirius thought he could only use this t his advantage. The angrier she was the more likely he have the willpower to keep her away. 

Sirius was combing through Buckbeak’s feathers when he heard the front door open and shut again. He heard muffled voices in the hallway and sets of footsteps headed towards the kitchen. Sirius’ elected to ignore it but as he went back to brushing the hippogriff the front door opened again and more footsteps and the familiar clunk of Mad-Eye Moody’s staff went towards the kitchen. Deciding that this was a serious matter he put the brush down, fed Buckbeak a piece of meat as an apology and went to investigate. 

There gathered around the table was Rose, Remus, Snape, Kingsley, Tonks and Dumbledore. They looked up as Sirius entered but resumed their conversation. Sirius sank into the seat next to Remus trying to attract as little attention as possible. Dumbledore was in the middle of a large speech and from what he could piece together things were not well at Hogwarts. He leaned forward and whispered into Remus’ ear asking what had happened. Remus turned and in a low voice explained that Harry’s group had been rumbled. Dumbledore had taken the heat for this but it now meant that the school's headmistress was now Umbridge. At this Sirius’ blood turned cold. He glanced at Rose and noticed that worry was spread across her face too. She knew that this was not good for Harry. His dreams were getting worse and he needed help to deal with everything but there was only so much his godparents could do from afar and now he was left without the support of Dumbledore, this was not good. Sirius checked into the discussion after this. Dumbledore was explaining that he would have to be involved in the Order from afar as he was a wanted man now. He would provide all the help for Harry that he could through Snape and Sirius/Rose. He also explained how this may be better. If Voldemort couldn’t piece together a strong relationship between himself and Harry it was unlikely that he would use this to their disadvantage. He asked them to be wary of the contact they kept with Harry as it was most likely that it was being watched. If Harry mentioned anything about his Occlumency Dumbledore reinforced the importance of carrying on them, though as he said this he glanced at Sirius with a warning look. A few clarifications later and Dumbledore rose from the table. He bid his farewells and made to leave. Snape got up immediately afterwards, grunted a goodbye, and disappeared with Dumbledore down the hall. 

Not having anticipated a need for a change in strategy the group was at a loss for words. The sat in silence allowing the news to sink in. Rose and Sirius’ eyes met in the silence but Sirius looked away avoiding her gaze. Annoyed she huffed and getting up from her chair she said, “Right does anyone want dinner? That’s what I was doing before the interruption.” A chorus of yes’ sounded back at her and conversation commenced once more. Yet, Sirius remained quiet, he was torn about staying downstairs to discuss what was happening or making a break for it. “Sirius?” she enquired, looking straight at him which causing four more pairs of eyes to look in his direction. Sirius nodded and distracted the attention from him by jumping into a conversation about Umbridge. Rose clenched her jaw and turned away to start preparing a meal. She had thought that it was just Harry he was upset over but now she was thinking that it was more complicated than that. That it was her. It would explain why he hadn’t slept in her bed since Christmas. Perhaps he suspected her feelings were changing and was trying to push her away. Maybe he didn’t want to encourage something that would never happen. Whatever it was she wished he would just tell her. 

Dinner was nice, Rose put together a nice pasta dish which went down well with everyone. Conversation and wine flowed freely and before they knew it, it was past 10 and though this wasn’t late it was the consensus that Kingsley and Tonks should head home. Kingsley left first. Rose had decided that it was Remus’ turn to do the dishes and Tonks volunteered to help as well. Any excuse to stay in his company a little longer. Rose and Sirius remained seated at the kitchen table watching the others at the sink. Though the conversation was never between Rose and Sirius directly, but between the four of them, they couldn’t help but glance at each other every time Remus and Tonks shared a look or touch. Catching each other’s eye, like school children, they smirked and eye rolled at each display of affection. Luckily this behaviour went unnoticed but Rose was soaring. It felt as though the events of the day had forced the world back into normality.   
When Tonks finally left, Sirius made his excuses and retired to bed. On his way up the stairs though he cursed himself for cracking. Though this was the most he’d enjoyed himself in weeks he knew he was playing a dangerous game. 

Remus was wiping down the tables as Rose finished her 3rd glass of wine. His shoulders slumped and his face gloomy she could tell he was melancholy about Tonks leaving. As she finished Remus took the glass from her hands and washed it. Rose said “Remus, when are you going to get together with that girl?” He had his back to her but she could see all his muscles tense at this question. He carried on washing and refused to turn to look at her. Feigning naivety he asked “What do you mean?”  
“What do you mean ‘what do you mean?’ I mean when are you going to ask Tonks out?! That’s what I mean. I mean it’s obvious you like her, and she likes you, so why not.”  
“It’s complicated.”  
“Isn’t it always? So what. That girl loves the bones of you I can see it in her eyes, and you’d be a fool to let her go.” Turning around he sighed. Placing the tea towel he was holding down he ran a hand down his aged face.  
“You don’t think I know that. She’s amazing. Utterly brilliant but she’s young. She’s young and she doesn’t deserve to spend the rest of her life discriminated against because of me. Because of what I am and could you imagine if I hurt her. I dread to think-“

“But when has that ever happened?” she butted in, “Apart from stupid behaviour in the past you’ve never been a danger to anyone. Your transformations are controlled and it’s not as if you can’t take precautions. You deserved to be loved just as much as anyone and not that it matters but I don’t think that Tonks fucking cares if you’re a werewolf or not. I don’t think she cares what others think much either. You shouldn’t stop yourself being happy just because the world doesn’t want you to be. And as for the age thing, it’s not as if she’s a child. She’s a grownup who knows what she wants. I say take the chance.” Remus sighed. He’d had this conversation with so many people but Rose always knew how to hit a nerve. How to make him see the way she saw it and as if any arguments he could present were stupid. “I suppose you could be right. She’s an amazing girl.”  
“No supposing about it. I’m right, I always am. You should talk to her about it. The last thing we need is another sullen sally around here.” Remus nodded but raised an eyebrow.“I’m assuming that means Sirius.” Rolling her eyes and nodding she collapsed in a dramatic heap on the table. Her head resting on her arms she said “Oh Remus! I don’t know what to do.” Remus reached out a hand and placed it on her arm and she slowly lifted her head up and their eyes met. “Ever since Harry left he’s been an absolute nightmare. I mean I thought he was getting better these past few months and that he was just upset about Harry leaving but tonight made me think it’s more than that.”  
“How so?”   
“I don’t know. I’m starting to think that it’s all my fault. That I’ve offended him or something.”  
“I’m sure you haven’t.”  
“I just don’t understand and Remus you have no idea how horrible it’s been.” Remus looked at her sympathetically. She deliberated on whether or not to come clean to Remus but she could feel the wine hit her now and before she could stop herself shed started the long tale about the nightmares and how they’d come together. How she thought she might be falling in love with him again. Throughout this Remus said nothing but nodded or made noises where appropriate.   
“-And now he's back to ignoring me and I don’t know what I’ve done. Perhaps he knows and thinks I’m an idiot, or he's revolted by the idea I don’t know but Remus. Oh, Remus I just miss him so much.” Remus nodded and moved round to her side of the table and pulled her into a hug. Though this didn’t answer her questions it was just what she needed. The alcohol had made her weepy and she sat there with Remus for a good 10 mins a blubbering mess. 

When she’d resolved herself she wiped her nose on the back of her sleeve and dabbed her eyes dry. Remus moved her hair out of her face and looked at her. “Sorry about your shirt,” she said, gesturing to the wet tear stains that were all over his shoulder. “No problem. Who’d have thought it?”  
“What?” she asked squinting at him curiously.  
“That 15 years later we’d be sat in this position again, you crying about Sirius. Me asking you for advice about my problems.”  
“I suppose you right. To be honest id have thought we’d grown up by now.” A smile ghosted her lips and Remus laughed.  
“I would have hoped so. But at least I get to recycle my advice from then. Talk to Sirius. It can’t be that bad, whatever you think.”  
“What if-“  
“Don’t think about those, just talk to him.” 

But Rose didn’t think she could. What if she was open and honest about everything and he didn’t feel the same. What if she bared her soul and all could say was ‘I’m sorry but I just don’t feel the same’ they had to live in the same house for goodness sake. She could not bear to think what would happen if he rejected her. Perhaps she’d die from embarrassment. The worst thing would be that everyone would know. They’d noticed his funny moods at the order meetings and could you imagine having to sit through all the pitying looks once people found out. She knew Remus was trying to help but she knew Sirius well. And he wouldn’t be avoiding her if he didn’t want to spare her feelings.


	7. Things Get Heated

As spring rolled around a routine had settled over headquarters. Since neither Rose nor Sirius wanted to face the truth they avoided each other like the plague. Sirius had noticed that she was now avoiding him as he had her but thought that this was due to anger. They spent most of their time in separate ends of the house and when they came together at meal times or order meetings they kept conversations brief but civil. Though Rose had work to keep her busy Sirius was left to stew and this had taken its toll. The cleansed appearance he had been sporting since returning to his childhood home was now lacking. Permanent bags had formed under his eyes due to the exhaustion, weeks of waking with nightmares evident of his handsome face. Rose was different. Though still hurting she was keeping up appearances. She’d spent as much time up at night as Sirius now but she covered the evidence with makeup. 

Rose had just got home from work when she found Remus in the kitchen and joined him. Exhausted she sat down at the table in the kitchen and rested her head on her arms. Remus didn’t bother her, he was busy looking over a piece of parchment and Rose was grateful that she wasn’t forced to join in with small talk. She had barely slept and after a hectic day, all she wanted to do was sleep. In fact, she found herself just dozing when a voice said “Sirius?”   
Startled she jumped up from her sleeping position, she found herself and Remus looking around for the source of the noise. Opposite her in the fireplace, surrounded by bright green flames, was the face of her godson. She went to speak but Remus was quicker he asked if Harry was alright to which Harry replied that he wanted to speak to Sirius. Perplexed Rose moved around the table to stand next to Lupin as they stared at him wondering what the matter was. Remus made for the door but Rose placed a hand on his shoulder and held him back. “I’ll go,” she said. And with one last glance at Harry, she left the room. The halls were quiet as she plodded up the stairs to find him. Normally she would just shout for his attention but she didn’t want Kreacher following them down and eavesdropping. Tentatively she opened the door to Buckbeak’s room but found it empty. As she came out she heard the toilet on this level flush and the sound of running water. She turned to face the bathroom door and as she did Sirius emerged, shaking excess water from his hands. 

He stopped as he saw her on the landing. She was blocking his way to the room and he was unsure why. However, before he could say anything she said “Harrys downstairs,” Sirius’ eyes were wide and evidently panicked, “Not downstairs, downstairs but he's speaking through the Floo network. I don’t think anything’s happened but he wouldn’t tell me anyway. He’ll only speak to you.” She said a hint of resentment in her voice and with that, she turned and headed downstairs, Sirius hot on her trail. When they entered the kitchen Sirius spoke urgently. Remus and Rose took a seat behind him as he knelt by the fire and spoke to Harry. Harry wanted to speak about his dad and broke into a long winded story about what happened with the pensive. He explained about worrying that his father wasn’t the idol he perceived him to be. Sirius and Remus tried to reason with him but he wasn’t having it. He was obviously upset about the idea of his father being an idiot. “Of course he was a bit of an idiot!” Sirius reasoned, “We were all idiots, well not Moony so much,” he said.  
“Or me.” Rose chipped in. Sirius turned to look at her and said smirking “Yeah well you were a girl. Girls aren’t idiots at that age, boys have to be.”  
“It’s a rite of passage,” Remus concurred. And the men laughed, Rose looked at Harry’s face. Some of the uneasiness she’d seen when he’d showed up in the fire had disappeared but he still looked upset as he continued to explain his feelings about his parent’s marriage and James’ treatment of Snape. As Rose listened she had to admit that Sirius would make a good parent. He listened to Harry’s worries but gave reassurance without condescension. She could tell Harry had relaxed until he let slip that Snape had refused to teach him Occlumency lessons. Sirius hit the roof. Anger boiled over him but he attempted to keep it caged in front of his godson. He demanded that Harry go and speak to Snape as these lessons were paramount for Harry’s safety. Harry promised he’d try but before they could speak at length he had been ripped away, their connection becoming too risky. As Harry’s face disappeared and the flames returned to normal Sirius sank back on his heels and sighed. He got up and turned to face the other two. “I can’t believe that Snivellus would even think of doing this. Is he completely stupid?” he ranted, “I should go up there and give that greasy-haired git a piece of my mind. In fact, I might just do that.”

“Because that would solve all our problems,” Rose responded rolling her eyes.   
“Better than sitting here and doing nothing. Besides Harry didn’t want to take up those lessons anyway, you think we can trust him to actively seek them out with a teacher he despises. Not bloody likely.”  
“And when you storm up there all guns blazing and are greeted by Dolores Umbridge who promptly calls for Aurors to throw you back in Azkaban that’ll be alright will it?”  
“I’ve been up there before if you remember, last year. And anyway, I’m not content with doing nothing like some people,” Sirius said, folding his arms across her chest as if daring her to retaliate.  
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”  
“Nothing,” he snorted, “It’s just that when it comes to Harry you’re hardly 'hands on'. Are you?” “Sirius, leave it,” Remus warned him but it was too late the fuse was already lit.  
“How dare you! I have done nothing but help that boy and accusing me of doing anything but is just low-“  
“Yeah, when you feel like it.”  
“When I feel like it, how can you even say that? I’ve helped him as much as I could and I love the bones of that kid-“  
“You’ve got a funny way of showing it. I mean you can’t be that close even after all the time you’ve spent together, the kid couldn’t even come to you tonight to ask you a question.” Rose huffed. And though she was nearly a foot shorter than him, she squared up as if she was the tallest person in the room.  
“So that’s what this is about huh? You’re jealous, just thinking of yourself.”  
“Jealous!” He spat, “What on earth would I have to be jealous about?”  
“The fact that even though you’re close you’ve spent no time together. The fact that if not for Arthur Weasley Harry would have spent Christmas without you. The fact that Harry and I have shared the past 5 years together.” Sirius face dropped. They’d had heated arguments before which meant they knew exactly what buttons to press to rile the other up. All The pent up anger and frustration that had built up over the past few months was coming out now. Sirius clenched his jaw and he swallowed hard and with venom dripping in his voice he said “Yeah, you’re right. You’ve got this super special relationship. At least I didn’t allow him to be left on a doorstep when he was 18 months old.” And that was it. As soon as the words were out of his mind Rose’s hand collided with his cheek. Looking down at her he could see her lip quivering and tears brimming in her eyes. Pushing past him she left the kitchen and he could hear as she ran upstairs and slammed her bedroom door shut. 

Rubbing his cheek he turned around to find Moony staring at him, shaking his head disapprovingly. “What?” he said exasperatedly. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know that was over the line.”  
“Over the line, and what she said wasn’t?”  
“Of course it can you really deny it was the truth?” Sirius sighed. He hated speaking to Remus. He always knew exactly how he felt and he wasn’t one to let him ignore it. Slumping down in a chair Sirius sighed. Remus sat opposite him and waited. Staring down at his hands Sirius said. “Maybe, I was a little bit out of order. And maybe I am jealous of their relationship but it’s not my fault. She got to see him for the past 5 years. I’ve been out of the loop and even know there’s sometimes I feel disconnected. It’s like my life stopped at 22 but nothing else did. Everyone moved on and I’m still trying to catch up.”  
“And that’s hard, but it’s not her fault.”  
“I know that. I don’t even know why I argued with her.”  
“My best guess is that months of frustration you’ve been feeling pent up and exploded tonight. To be honest, you’re lucky that’s all was said.” The men smiled at each other. Sirius bit his lip thoughtfully and said, “So she’s mad at me then?” Remus nodded. “Not mad I think, more frustrated. I don’t think she’s entirely sure why you’ve fallen out.”  
“I’ve not fallen out with her.”  
“Doesn’t seem like it mate.”  
“I just don’t want her to get hurt, God knows I hurt a lot when we were younger.”  
“Why would you hurt her now? And anyway whatever your reasoning is it’s not very well founded. I mean she’s already hurting. If Tonks taught me anything it’s that being avoided by the person you’re in love with hurts deeply and if you-“  
“What do you mean?”  
“Huh,” said Remus unsure of what he’d said.“You said being avoided by the person you love what has that got to do with me and Rose?” Remus shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He didn’t know how to phrase his next sentence. “Well I mean, you and Rose are-. It’s a bit like-“  
“Are you saying she loves me?”  
“Well, yeah.” Sirius sank back in his chair. She loves him. He’d pushed her away all year in an attempt to stop this and it had happened anyway. Yet he couldn’t help but feel overjoyed. She loved him. He’d pushed her away to stop it, even though he doubted it would and she loved him.   
“How do you feel about that? I mean I wasn’t supposed to say anything. I told her to tell you but she was too embarrassed I think. I didn’t want to force her but-“  
“Mate I could kiss you.” Remus smiled but squirmed in his seat. “I mean I’ve spent all this time pushing her away, never dreaming that she’d love me but she does. I can’t believe it.”  
“So you feel the same?”  
“Of course.”  
“Then you should tell her.” Sirius paused. He should but what if he hurt her again. Remus looked at him and could see the worries bubbling behind the surface. “You can’t worry about anything. Honestly. If you and Rose have drilled anything into my brain this year it’s that all the reasons you shouldn’t be with someone don’t matter if they make you happy. And you two make each other happy. I mean just the absence of each other in your lives has made this place miserable. Not that it was a super place to live beforehand.” Sirius nodded but his face was thoughtful, reluctant to take the advice he’d been dishing out over the past year. “Honestly. You two deserved to be happy. You especially. If you love her tell her. Otherwise, you’ll regret it, like you do so many other things.” His eyes bore into Sirius place and guilt washed over him. Remus was right. He should put everything out of his mind and tell her the truth.


	8. Reconciliation

It was one o’clock I the morning and Rose was still up. She was perched on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands. She hadn’t been able to stop crying since she came upstairs but now her tears weren’t flowing as heavily. Her face was wet and cold in the night air and occasionally a sob would escape her. 

Downstairs Sirius was pacing. Remus looked on in amusement. “Mate just go up there and tell her the truth.” Sirius chewed on his fingernails and look at him exasperatedly. “It’s not that simple,” he replied and he carried on pacing. He was mumbling to himself so much that he half resembled Kreacher the house-elf. Remus yawned but didn’t move from his seat at the kitchen table. He had spent most of the night trying to convince Sirius to go and talk to her and once he had he’d spent the rest of the time watching Sirius pace deliberating what he was going to say. Lupin was dozing off in his chair when he was woken abruptly by Sirius clapping his hands together and stopping on the spot. “Right, it’s now or never.” Remus stood up as Sirius headed for the door and said: “Know what you’ll say?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Ready?”  
“As I’ll ever be,” and Sirius walked to the door and placed his hand on the doorknob. Yanking the door open he went to proceed through it but found his path blocked by Rose who had made her way downstairs, thinking the kitchen would be empty. A small “Oh” escaped Sirius' lips but Rose just shook her head. Her eyes were puffy and red and it was evident that she had been crying all night. She went to turn and head back upstairs but Sirius said, “Wait,” and he grabbed her by her hand, pulling her into the kitchen. Rose tugged her wrist out of his grip and stumbled. 

“Why should I?”  
“Because I want to talk to you.” Silence fell upon the room. It was evident Rose was debating what to say next and Sirius was reluctant to poke the bear when he didn’t know how she’d react. Behind them, Remus cleared his throat and made an excuse to leave. Slipping past Rose he entered the hallway, though he turned back to look at Sirius one last time and mouthed the words ‘Tell her’ at him before shutting the door and disappearing into the dimly lit hallway. Once he had gone Rose seemed to have decided that she wasn’t going to make it easy for him and spat “Well I don’t want to talk to you. In fact, I don’t even think I want to look at you right now, so leave me alone.”  
“Rose please, at least let me say I’m sorry,” at these words Rose stopped. Even though her arms folded across her chest and her look venomous, she stayed put, signalling that she was listening. “What I said earlier I shouldn’t have. It was below the belt and you were right, I am jealous that you and Harry have spent more time together. I know that it’s wrong but you have to understand that I’ve missed out on so much and I’m trying to catch up in a world that’s not waited for me. To take it out on you or Harry or anyone is wrong, so I’m sorry.”  
“Fine. You’re jealous of my relationship with Harry. But don’t you see that yours is so much more profound than mine. Sure, he loves me but he sees you as his dad. You’ve no need to be jealous, even less to hurt me for it.” Sirius swallowed a lump in his throat at these words. To hear this warmed his heart but he knew she was right. “I mean is this why you’ve been mad at me all this time?”  
“No.”  
“No,” she questioned, “Then if not that what is it? I don’t understand why you would push me away if you were annoyed at me you should have just said. Or if I’d annoyed you, you could have told me what was going on and then I’d-“  
“Because I love you.” Rose stopped. She stared into his hazel eyes, confusion evident in her features. She went to question him but he continued. “It’s true. And I tried, believe me, I tried not to. After what we went through the first time I thought there’s no way that we’d ever go back there. So when you helped me through my nightmares I didn’t see anything wrong with us becoming close again. But we weren’t just close, I was falling in love with you and I couldn’t stop myself. So I decided rather than hurt you or Harry I’d try and stop myself. It didn’t work but it made it marginally easier not seeing you. It made it hurt a little less not to be forced to be around something I couldn’t have. It was even easier when you were mad at me. I know you hate being ignored so I didn’t think it would take much of me avoiding you to make you livid. But here I am 6 months later, still in love with you and completely miserable. In fact, Moony mentioned that you were in the same situation. I don’t know if it’s true but if it is I thought that I’d actually take his advice and see if you might love me too?”

Rose didn’t respond. All this time she thought he’d been pushing her away because he was trying to spare her feelings and it was the complete opposite. He was pushing her away because he thought he’d hurt her if they got together. It took her a minute to realise that she hadn’t actually said anything. To realise that he was stood in front of her, his hand rubbing the back of his neck uneasily waiting for her to respond. He looked like he was going to say something but he was quickly shut up as she flung herself towards him and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was messy. Their argument had released some of the pent up frustration from the past year but this was working away at the rest of it. Her arms came up around his neck as his large hands came to rest on her hips. Sirius deepened the kiss as he pushed her back against the door. She moaned as he did this and she ran her fingers through his long hair. Resting on hand on the door Sirius stopped, placing a peck on her lips. They were swollen and she was breathing heavily, her chest rising and falling deeply. Sirius was the same, his hair was now askew as he looked down at her smirking. 

“So, I take it that means you feel the same way?” At his words, she blushed deep scarlet and looked down at her feet. Rose nodded. Then placing a hand over his heart and biting her lip she said, “Yes. I love you too.”


	9. Cloud Nine

Rose was on cloud nine. The past few weeks at Grimmauld place had been heaven. From the night that Sirius told her that he loved her, they had been joined at the hip. He had explained to her all about why he had acted the way he did and she explained why she had started to avoid him. Though frustrated that they could have saved themselves so much time and effort they decided not to dwell on the past and to look to the future together. Since she couldn’t get out of Order Duties she had made up for it by calling in sick to work instead. Her days recently had consisted of mostly lazing around in bed with Sirius until she decided that she absolutely had to get up or Moony dragged her out. Whichever came first.   
What she couldn’t believe was how easy it was. She thought that she’d struggle to be like they used to be as time had changed them both so much. But they fit back into their old selves like a glove and were just as happy as they had been.   
They lay in bed. It was around 8 pm at night and Rose had just got back. She’d been called out to check out a possible death eater attack on a muggle. Though this wasn’t her area at work Arthur Weasley had asked her to go and check it out as her presence was less conspicuous than any other order member. It helped that she was friends with Heidi Abbot, the lead auror on the case. Sirius had taken great offence her choosing work over him and had feigned a tantrum. He proclaimed that the only way he could be brought out of his foul mood was if she went straight to bed with him. She had rolled her eyes as he had presented her with this ultimatum as soon as she walked through the door but giggled furiously as he had hoisted her over his shoulder and ran with her upstairs to the bedroom. 

They lay there, nuzzled together. Sirius was watching Rose as she dozed, her head in the crook of his neck. He ran his fingers gently through her golden hair and listened and she sighed happily. With one hand on his torso, she used her index finger to trace shapes across his bare skin. Moving slightly as she ran over a sensitive spot she opened her eyes and looked up at him through her lashes, giggling quietly. Sirius didn’t think he’d ever been this content. There was nothing he’d rather be doing at this moment in time than lying here with the love of his life. Edging his head closer to her he whispered in her ear, “I love you. So much.” Rose looked up at him again and placed her hand on his cheek. Leaning up and pressing a quick kiss on his jawline she said “I love you too. I could stay like forever.”  
“Let’s do just that,” he replied and she giggled, “Honestly, let’s just lie here forever. Spend the rest of our lives cuddled up in this bed until we’re old and grey. Eh, we could even hire Remus as a butler and he could bring us all our food.”   
“Mmm, I like the sound of that. Don’t know how Remus would feel about it though.”   
“He’ll have to get used to it because I. Am. Not. Going. Anywhere.” He said, each word punctuated by a kiss to the top of her head. But as she lay back down a faint cry was heard from the floor above them¬¬.  
Sirius sat up straight away, Rose sliding off him and sitting up a fraction of a second later. “What was that?” he asked curiously and he got out of bed. Slipping on trousers and a shirt from the bedroom floor he headed outside and towards the sound of whimpering. Rose followed, dressing just as quickly. Wand out in case of danger. The source of the whimpering was coming from Buckbeak’s room. Sirius opened the door to find the hippogriff sprawled out across the room, blood gushing from one of his legs. Sirius ran in and knelt beside the magnificent beast. Pretty quickly he was barking orders for Rose to go and get things to help the hippogriff as he used magic to stem the bleeding. Rose obliged leaving the room but couldn’t help but wonder what had harmed the creature in the first place. 

She had made her way downstairs and into the kitchen and was now currently on her hands and knees sifting her way through a million bottles under the kitchen sink looking for a treatment for magical maladies in animals. She had just laid her hands on the bottle when she heard the cackling. Curious, she came out of the cupboard and rolled back so she was crouching on her ankles. Listening closely she could hear the cackling coming from the boiler room off of the kitchen. Kreacher. Sighing she jogged back upstairs and handed Sirius the bottle. The wound had stopped bleeding now and he was just in the process of bandaging the beast up. A task that Rose thought best to leave to Sirius. Sure, she like Buckbeak but she wasn’t that close. And if he was going to kick up a fuss she wasn’t going to be in the firing line. She bent down and placed a kiss on the top of Sirius’ head and proclaimed she was going back downstairs. He smiled and nodded though she doubted he was even listening to her. He loved that Hippogriff she assumed and rightly so that all his attention would be on Buckbeak. 

She went back downstairs and sat in the kitchen. The manic laughter had not stopped. Rose tried for a minute to put up with it but the manic high pitched cackle was too annoying. She stomped over to the boiler room door and yanked it open. “Kreacher will you shut up for god sake.” But Kreacher didn’t stop though the presence of someone had been enough to stop the cackling it hadn’t been enough to stop the flow of nonsense from spilling out of his mouth. “The half-blood wants Kreacher to stop but Kreacher is too excited. Kreacher knows the boy is in danger and it is all Kreacher’s fault. What would Master Sirius say if he knew it was Kreacher who helped the dark lord? How Master Sirius would cry if he knew that that blood traitor had been tricked by his own elf. The chosen one indeed. How Mistress would have rewarded Kreacher for helping her master. Kreacher shall be rewarded in time by his new mistress-“Rose was only half listening but as she did certain words caught her attention. Sirius and the boy. He was talking about Harry and Sirius. And Voldemort as well. Yes, Kreacher liked to mumble to himself but never like this. “What are you saying?” Rose asked but Kreacher didn’t respond he continued to mumble about a boy being tricked and the Voldemort’s plan. She repeated her question but it was met with no coherent sentences. Coming into the boiler room she knelt down and grabbed Kreacher by her spindly arms. “Get off me you filthy half blood,” he said trying to shake himself from her iron grip but worry had formed in the pit of Rose’s stomach. “What are you talking about Kreacher?”   
“You are not my master, I do not-“  
“Tell me now!” she shouted.   
“The Potter boy has been tricked, the filthy blood traitor. He thinks master is in danger but the master is not and he has gone to be the hero. Mistress said he would and now the dark lord's plan will work and the boy will die-“ he said a glint of malice in his large eyes.

Rose felt sick. Harry was in trouble. This she was sure of but she had none of the details. Shaking Kreacher she tried for more information but he seemed to have broken. Rambling still but now his eyes were glassy and he sat down and rocked back and forth a picture of Walburga Black clutched to his chest. Rose jumped up and left the room, she ran to the foot of the stairs and shouted for Sirius and Lupin. They were there in an instant and after taking one look at her grief stricken face immediately knew something was wrong. 

She was just going to break into the tale Kreacher had told her when her attention was distracted by the fire glowing green and a figure stepping through the flames. Long black robes were the first thing in view followed shortly by a pallid face and limp greasy black hair. Severus Snape appeared from the fireplace and looked at the 3 gathered in the kitchen. “Snape,” Sirius grunted, “What are you doing here?”  
“I do not wish to be here believe me black but it has come to my attention that Potter is in trouble.”  
“What!?” Sirius and Remus said simultaneously. Rose placed a hand on Sirius' shoulder and said: “That’s what I shouted you down for.”  
“Potter from what I can tell passed out in his most recent OWL examination. It appears he has had a vision about you being kidnapped, Black. He believes you to be tied up by Voldemort in the department of mysteries. Though this is a clear lie the Dark Lord has implanted into Potter’s brain, something he would have been able to stop if he wasn’t so arrogant-“  
“Watch it,” Remus warned but Snape continued as if he hadn’t heard him. “He was under Umbridge’s surveillance so I was unable to provide reassurance without blowing my cover. It seems he checked to see if you were here and has left for the ministry before I could assess the situation. Hero complex like his father and”  
“Shut it Snivellus. So you’re telling me you’ve allowed my Godson to leave Hogwarts and fly off on a mission that could endanger his life.”  
“Don’t do the doting dad act Black it’s beneath even you. And don’t worry, the order is on their way. You can stay here tucked away in you cosy little house, like always.” But before Sirius could retaliate Rose had placed and ear-splitting smack across Snape’s cheek. “Shut up Snape! This is the last thing we need. Voldemort has planted a premonition of you tied up in Harry’s mind. Harry tried to check if you were okay but I think Kreacher lied to him when he came through the fire place. That was the sense I could make of him anyway. I think he hurt Buckbeak as a distraction so when Harry showed up he had no reason to believe you weren’t at the ministry.” Sirius and Remus nodded at her, “So, what do we do know?” Remus asked getting his wand out, but an icy tone spoke from behind them and said: “I have informed the rest of the Order, they are on their way to the department of mysteries as we speak.” And with that Snape strutted past them and back into the flames which turned green as he disappeared. 

“Right,” Rose stated, “We should head to the ministry and meet up with the others.”  
“Good idea,” said Sirius, grabbing his coat from the back of a chair and putting it on, pulling out his wand. Remus and Rose shared uneasy glances, and this did not go unnoticed. “What?” he said coolly. “Well-“ she started but she didn’t know what to say. Noticing her uneasiness Remus continued “Don’t you think you should stay here?”  
“Why on earth would I?”  
“Because you’re still one of the ministries most wanted criminals,” Rose chipped in “and here you are about to walk into the department of mysteries bold as brass. If we’re caught they’ll send you straight back to Azkaban and we can’t let that happen. I can’t let that happen.” Sirius paused his steely expression softening. “I know it’s a risk but it’s Harry. That boy has risked his neck to come and rescue me and I’ll be damned if I don’t do the same for him. If it looks risky I promise I’ll get out as soon as possible. But He’s my godson and he needs me. No matter what you two say you aren’t going to change my mind. Now let’s go.” And with that, he held out his hand in front of him as if daring her to take it. Swallowing loudly Rose relented and placed her dainty hand in his large one and intertwined her fingers with his. Remus held her other hand and before she knew it she felt as though she was being hooked behind the belly button and pulled out of the air.


	10. Beyond the Veil

The next thing the three of them knew they were standing in the grand entrance hall of the Ministry of Magic. Whilst they should have found it empty, everyone had left for the night, they were not alone. Upon their entrance Tonks, Shacklebolt and Moody turned, wands out to face them. Jogging over the meet them the three rushed into their description of what they knew whilst the Aurors relayed their own knowledge. It was evident that they would be in the department of mysteries and the group wasted no time running for the elevators. Once inside they strategized. Moody took an obvious lead and barked orders at them, “We don’t know how many will be there but I shouldn’t think it many. Let’s hope the dark lord is stupid enough that he won’t anticipate needing many forces for a group of school children. Once inside each take a death eater, stay stuck to them. There should be enough of us,” he shot a dirty look at Sirius, evidently unimpressed at his presence. “And Make sure no one gets that prophecy, understood.” The group nodded in unison but Rose added, “Try as you must but the children take priority, right?” Staring at Moody’s uneven eyes challenging. “Of course,” Sirius responded, placing a hand on her forearm soothingly. The others mumbled in agreement but Moody remained quiet. 

Rose didn’t have a chance to say anything before the lift announced their arrival and the golden gate slid open revealing a long stone corridor with many doors. Stepping out, they made a circular formation, holding their wands out in case of attack. “How will we find them?” Remus asked, his eyes twitching from one door to the next, sizing up their best option. Kingsley placed a large hand in his robes in response and pulled out a circular device that looked quite like a compass. It had many buttons and a glass front with a dial whirring madly underneath. All of a sudden the dial evened out and pointed them along the corridor. As they moved upwards the dial moved again signalling to take the door on their right. And bracing themselves they entered one by one. Casting a charm for a safe landing they saw that Malfoy was trying to get Harry to give them the prophecy while a death eater held his friends hostage. 

It looked as he might have convinced Harry before the room was thrown into carnage. Death Eaters had noticed their arrival and armed themselves. Duels commenced and spells were flying everywhere. Rose had just disarmed a McNair when she noticed Harry trying to aid Neville to safety. As Remus took over her duel she went to her godson’s aid. “Are you okay?” she asked anxiously as she came to Neville’s other side and hoisted him up as Harry had. “Yeah, I’ve been so stupid I thought that Sirius was in trouble and now all this. I dropped the prophecy.” Rose reassured him and together they brought Neville to safety behind a large rock. “Wait here with Neville,” she ordered and then proceeded to sneak her way across the hall and collected the others from their various places. Each in a bad way. When she got back, however, Harry was missing, her eyes darted around the room and landed on him and Harry duelling Bellatrix Lestrange. She was powerful but seemed to be struggling over Sirius and Harrys combined forces. Torn between leaving the group and helping them she lingered behind the rock and watched in trepidation. The Aurors had caught most of the Death eaters and only a few were managing to hold on. 

Suddenly a great burst of light occurred and Albus Dumbledore walked into the room, armed for a fight. At this newest addition, the Death eater’s still fighting became scared and apparated out as soon as possible. Bodies were flying everywhere and the room was chaotic. But as Rose watched on she saw that Bellatrix had only used this to her advantage. Rose watched as green sparks flew from her wand and hit Sirius straight in his chest. The room went into slow motion. Rose was aware she was moving forward but her legs were like lead and she wasn’t fast enough. Sirius stumbled sideways out of the reach of Harry’s arm who had tried to catch him. Slowly Sirius fell between the archways behind him and slipped into the veil. 

Rose couldn’t move. She’d tried to get to him but he’d gone. She stood now, frozen the spot, with tears in her eyes and her heart in ribbons. Shaking her head she moved forward. She was near the archway now, Harry had been grabbed from behind by Remus to stop him running after his godfather. Remus’ face was pale and grim, though he kept a tight grip on Harry. As he saw Rose approach he turned his head to look at her. Tears were spilling over now and she had stopped as she got near them, loud racking sobs echoing around the chamber. Remus’ looked on in despair and for a moment loosened his grip for a second and Harry had broken free. He went running after him but as he did Rose sank to her knees and hit the ground hard. Remus made a split second decision and chose to help his friend. He went to her and kneeling down he allowed his own grief to wash over him. They sat there crying, on the cold hard stone, clutching each other for comfort.


	11. After the Veil

The world moved on around them. As they sat there they heard heavy footsteps and groans as the kids were moved from their hiding spot and out through the door. The heard grunts as the Death Eaters were moved by Moody, shepherded like cattle to the door. They sat there until Remus felt a small hand rest on his shoulder and Tonks’s sweet voice whisper in his ear. It was only then he moved. Rose was still crying as he brushed his own tears out of his eyes and moved her body off his. She looked at him but said nothing. When he moved out from under her to get up, he offered her a hand to stand up but she didn’t move. Looking at Tonks worriedly, they had a silent discussion. Eventually, they leant down and placed a hand under her armpits and hoisted her up. Rose allowed herself to be moved but said nothing. Remus placed an arm around her and she cuddled closer to his chest, hiding her face from the world. They walked towards the door in silence, Tonks following behind respectively. 

They were in the elevator before anyone spoke. “Are you okay?” Tonks asked, in barely more than a whisper. Remus nodded sadly. He wasn’t okay, he was heartbroken but at this moment in time, he was persevering. He was holding up better than rose anyway who had still not spoken. Her face was pale, though her eyes were puffy and red. The tears had stopped and her face had become blank. She was trying to make her mind black but the scene just repeated itself in her head. Her vision had become blurry but allowed herself to be walked forward and out of the elevator into the large foyer. 

The foyer was not like before. Bits of tile and broken glass littered the long room and now it was full of people. The kids were huddled together by the fountain. Neville and Ginny sat resting against it. Whilst Luna and Hermione sat around Ron’s shaking figure, evidently still hurting from whatever they had encountered. Three men dressed in black were stood near them. Alastor Moody stood in front of them guarding them from the escaping. Dumbledore and Harry were standing with Cornelius Fudge. He was stood in front of a few cameras and several reporters. The events of the day being rehashed to the public. Harry looked broken. His body was littered with minor cuts and bruises and clothes were bloody. Dumbledore stood proudly beside him, unimpressed by the media circus, and had an arm wrapped around his shoulder. 

The late comers walked the length of the chamber and joined the children near the fountain. Before long they were joined by Dumbledore who informed them that the children would be travelling back to school via portkey. Picking up a small piece of rock he cast a spell and then levitated it as the group surrounded it. Luna and Hermione gripped it whilst using their other hands to support Ron. Neville and Ginny were held up by Tonks who was obviously joining to keep them upright before they could be seen to by Madam Pomfrey

As Harry reached out to touch the rock he was held back by Dumbledore. Confused he watched as his friends disappeared into thin air. Instead, Dumbledore led him to a large open fireplace and ordered him inside. Soon after Harry had gone through a burst of bright green flames. The arrested had been moved now, other Aurors having been called into work. But Rose had remained sitting on the fountain. Dumbledore approached her and Remus. He placed a sympathetic hand on Remus’ shoulder and said his condolences. He explained the plan but Rose didn’t listen. She didn’t care anymore. She didn’t care about the order or Voldemort. She didn’t care what Dumbledore or Remus said. She just wanted to be left alone. Ignoring everyone was as close as she could get right now. Dumbledore left them and Remus pulled her up again and they headed to the fireplace and floo’d home. 

When they entered the kitchen it was as it had been. Nothing was different except there were no signs of Kreacher anywhere. Remus let go of her when they stepped into the kitchen. He moved to clear the table that had been left in a mess yesterday afternoon. He was trying to keep himself busy hoping that if he kept moving the thoughts of Sirius wouldn’t come. Yet, Rose didn’t move from where he left her, she stared at him blankly as he moved glasses and papers from the table. He’d spent yesterday with Sirius while Rose was out. They had been drafting a letter to Dumbledore regarding Harry’s Occlumency lessons, a letter that seemed futile now. “Do you want anything to drink?” he asked her, unsure of what to do in this situation, “Or I could fix you something to eat if you want. I mean you mustn’t have eaten since before you went out yesterday you must be starved.” But again rose said nothing, instead, she walked out of the kitchen, leaving Remus staring at her wake worriedly. 

As Rose climbed the stairs she felt a whole new wave of grief hit her. It was easier to fend off in public but now as she made her way through the house, Sirius’ house, she started to cry. She elected not to go to her room but instead found herself climbing all the way to the top of the house and stopping outside Sirius’ room. ‘Sirius Orion Black’ was printed in elegant script on the door. Placing her had on the writing she pushed the door open. It was as it had been so many times before. He was a messy person so his clothes were strewn on the floor. The bed was unmade and his curtains were half open, allowing faint sunlight to stream into the otherwise dark bedroom. 

Rose stumbled forward and stopped halfway in the room. She stripped out of her jeans and t-shirt and let her hair down. Picking up a t-shirt from the floor she brought it up to her face and sniffed. Sirius’ woody smell hit her nostrils and tears formed in her eyes. Eventually, she slipped into it and climbed into the bed. The bed smelled like him as well and even though it was uncomfortably warm Rose pulled the heavy bed clothes on top of her and submerged herself in a cocoon of despair.


	12. The Way We Are

Rose didn’t move from this position for a few days. She got out of bed to use the bathroom but that was about it. Remus brought her food but she refused it. She was only swayed when her stomach started to gripe not content with the lack of the food. It wasn’t that she was actively refusing the food it was just that she had no appetite, sometimes she even felt nauseous at the thought of food. Remus checked on her every couple of hours but these interactions were small, though not for lack of trying. Remus tried to explain everything that was happening now the world was wise to Voldemort’s return but as he spoke Rose would roll over in bed and face away from him. This signalled that it was the time he left her alone. Remus obliged and returned to the silent house. If it weren’t for Tonks he had no idea what he would do. 

Three days after the ministry Rose was woken from a nap by a knocking on the door. She made no noise but the door opened anyway and revealed Molly Weasley. Entering the room briskly dumping clothes and toiletries on the end of the bed and making her way to the window. Pulling open the heavy curtains she sighed. Light filled the room and Molly looked out at the bleak view, complaining about the dust that had gathered in this room. Turning she looked at Rose’s still figure who was just lying there watching this scene unfold. “Right,” said Molly, her tone light, “Now, that plan for today is that you’re going to get out of this bed and have a wash and get dressed. When you’ve done that you’ll join us for breakfast. I’ve laid some clothes out for you and brought your toiletries from downstairs so you can shower up here. Now, chop, chop.” She said gesturing towards the door and placing a hand on her hip. Rose sat up in bed and pushed her greasy blond hair out of her eyes. “No,” she responded. Her voice was hoarse from the lack of talking or the crying. She wasn’t sure which. "I never said it was negotiable dear,” Molly said picking up the clothes from in front of her and holding them out towards Rose. “I said no. And I’m not one of your kids you can order about. I don’t have to on what you say and I’m not going to. I’m staying here, so you might as well leave.”  
“You are not my child I know that. But Harry is as good as and that means I have to see to it he is going to be looked after. That’s hardly going to happen if his godmother can’t even get out of bed now is it?” Her heart sank, she hadn’t even thought about Harry. She’d taken a sleeping draught to keep her knocked out for as long as possible and when she was awake she only thought of Sirius. “Look, I’m not going to pretend I can imagine what’s happening to you. But I know that I came close to being in your situation a few months ago and the biggest thing I’ve learnt is that you must keep going. If not for you then for someone else. Remus, Harry, anyone. This grief isn’t just yours. Other people need you and watching you go to pieces will not help them. So you need to pick yourself up and continue. I’m not asking for you to be okay. I’m not asking for you to be smiles and rainbows. I’m asking you to get up, get dressed and have something to eat. That’s all.” Rose stared at her, eyes narrowed, and clenched her jaw.

Without answering she threw the bedclothes off her and got up, taking the items out of Molly’s hand she stormed out of the room and into the bathroom. Slamming the door behind her she sank back against it. Carefully stepping out of the clothes she was wearing she brought them up to her nose again. Though she couldn’t really smell Sirius anymore. Three days of her sweat and tears had overpowered whatever scent was there. Sadly she dropped them into the wash basket and climbed into the shower. 

She washed feebly. Mostly she just allowed the warm water to run over her. She had been in bed for three days so she was well rested but the simple act of washing herself had become exhausting. Stepping out of the shower she observed herself in the mirror. She used her wand to remove the steam from the glass and observed. Her face was pale. Large purple bags had formed under her eyes and the corners of her nose were red. Her lips were dry and cracked and she was glad she hadn’t been near anyone recently as she got a whiff of her breath when she brushed her teeth. She was just about to get ready when a wave of nausea hit her. Turning to the toilet she threw up. It was only a small amount, mostly bile, and she suspected that her stomach was not pleased in being neglected. 

Slowly she dried off and changed into the clothes Molly had picked out. When she stepped out onto the landing Molly was waiting for her, she obviously didn’t trust her to follow through. Begrudgingly Rose descended to the staircase with Molly behind her. They didn’t speak and Rose eventually found herself at the kitchen door. She pushed it open and found Arthur, Remus and Tonks sat there in the conversation. They looked up as she entered. Tonks and Arthur smiled warmly at her but Remus was making no effort to hide his concern. She took a seat next to Tonks and placed her hands on the table. Tonks smiled at her and continued her conversation. Molly headed to the stove and started fixing a meal. Rose sat there in silence. The shower had fatigued her and she couldn’t even make conversation if she wanted to. She watched them as they talked her gaze often landing on Remus who looked just as bad as she did. He was at least two shades paler than normal and large purple bags rested underneath his eyes. She couldn’t help but notice that as they spoke his arm rested on the table, Tonks hand in his, drawing absently minded circles on his palm. 

Normally this would have made her smile but now all that she felt was anger. It was only last Tuesday that she’d sat in this very room with Sirius and held his hand and they whispered about Remus behind his back in excited giggles. They’d been making fun of him because he was all embarrassed about being caught earlier in the day in a precarious position with Tonks. He’d been beetroot red all day and Rose and Sirius had teased him mercilessly. She couldn’t believe that had been less than a week ago. She fought the white hot feeling that was bubbling at her core and took deep breaths to calm herself attempting to ignore it. They broke apart as Molly lay four plates on the table, she’d made breakfast. Sitting down beside Rose they tucked in, conversation lulled as they ate. Rose took a few bites, aware that she was been covertly watched. Eyes flicking to her when she thought she wasn’t looking. But she didn’t feel hungry. She ate as much as she could so that they would be pleased and pushed the rest of the food around the plate.

When they’d finished Molly and Arthur cleared away the plates and wiped down the table. As she did this there was a loud knock on the front door. Tonks raised herself from the table and disappeared down the hall. Rose fiddled with a splinter that was sticking out of the old wood table in an attempt to avoid his gaze. But Remus couldn’t help himself and he grabbed her free hand which forced her to look up. “How are you?” he asked, concern evident in his brown eyes, “I’m glad to see you up.”   
“Fine.” She said bitterly, Remus frowned at this causing Rose to change tact, “Honestly Remus. I’m fine. I’m not going to pretend to that I’m on cloud nine because I’m not. But I’ll be alright. I just need to be left to my own devices. I need people to stop fussing over me, I’m not a child,” she explained, rather loudly as she was sure that Molly and Arthur were eavesdropping on their conversation from behind her. Remus nodded, unconvinced but let the subject drop.  
He didn’t want to push her any further and was happy when Tonks reappeared several members of the order in tow. “What’s going on?” Rose questioned. She had been prepared to come downstairs for one meal but hadn’t expected to be ambushed into participating in a meeting. “Emergency meeting,” Moody explained, and he came and sat beside her, other members filling in around them. She was tempted to flee but she knew it would be pointless as one of them would probably drag her back kicking and screaming if they had to. More showed up until the long kitchen bench was almost full, Dumbledore at his head.

“Shall we start,” he said and he told his tale about what had happened at the ministry for those who weren’t at the ministry and what the world now knew. He glossed over Sirius’ death, mentioning that there were casualties that were very sad losses, but that they must persevere. The lack of detail around this meant that not many people looked at her, which she was surprised at but grateful for. He told them that Harry was now informed about what the prophecy had said, as ‘much as he needed to know’ Dumbledore put it. Which meant that Harry had about 50% of the information most likely. 

Rose sat playing with her hair, half listening as questions were thrown about regarding the ministry. Mundungus Fletcher was asking about the Malfoys as another knock came from down the hall. Tonks, who was closest, excused herself once again and went to answer it. When she returned she was trailed by Snape. His clothing was damp, he’d evidently just come in from the rain. This got Rose’s attention. She watched as he discarded his travelling cloak and apologised for his lateness. As he made his way around the other side of the table she couldn’t help but speak. 

“What the hell is he doing here?” she spat. This caused everyone to turn to look at her, several pairs of eyes darting from her face to the pallid face of Snape who had stopped in his tracks as she’d spoke. Dumbledore too looked at her and said, “He is an order member,” Though his tone was not harsh there was an edge to it. He didn’t want a fuss that was evident and as he continued speaking Snape started walking again. Yet Rose was not stalled, “I said, what is he doing here?”  
“I’ve already said-“Dumbledore began but Rose waved a hand dismissively. She had stood up now as everyone watched on, unsure whether to interfere. The tension in the room was palpable, nevertheless, she continued. “He isn’t welcome. I don’t care if he's a member of the order or not. He’s not supposed to be here.” She was on the move now coming around to the side Snape was standing at and pointing an accusatory finger. “You’re the reason he’s dead. If you weren’t so keen to save your own skin you could have stopped Harry from even going to the ministry but you couldn’t help yourself. To make it worse you had to antagonise him. We wanted to stop him coming that night but he had to prove himself. He couldn’t leave Harry alone, helpless like he’s felt all year. And if you hadn’t antagonised him we might have been able to convince him but no you just had to,” it was getting harder to speak now, tears had cut off her words but she tried to continue. “And now, you swan in as if nothings even happened. In his house. You arrogant prick!” Remus was getting up but he wasn’t quick enough. Before anyone could stop her she had lunged at Snape and was hitting his chest as hard as she could.   
Remus’ arms came behind her and pulled her away. She fought as against his hold and he struggled to move her. She was swinging where she could and dragging her heels to make it harder. Arthur and Kingsley aided Remus and eventually, they pulled her out of the room and into a sitting room across the hall. Snape said nothing though this whole attack but merely straightened his robes and took a seat at the table. The room was silent and all that could be heard was Rose’s shouts and cries a room away. Dumbledore cleared his throat and continued with what he was saying. 

In the other room, Rose was pacing like a rabid dog. Kingsley stationed himself at the door to stop her from leaving and Remus paced with her trying to get her to speak to him. Arthur placed himself wearily on one of the sofas and watched. Rose couldn’t stop herself. She’d felt nothing but pain for the past few days. Every thought of Sirius causing heartbreak and sorrow. But now it was different. Now she felt angry, it had been bubbling in her since she had been forced to come downstairs. Each action since then like a domino knocking the other until finally, the last one had fallen when Snape had walked in that room. 

She couldn’t believe he could be so arrogant as to come into this house when it was his fault Sirius was dead. If he hadn’t had antagonised him Sirius wouldn’t have felt like he had to go and save Harry. As she thought back he’d done it all year. He’d picked away at Sirius for being a ‘useless’ part of the order as someone who didn’t do anything because he was stuck at headquarters. And she knew that had hurt Sirius. She knew that he hated being here, in the house where he grew up, unable to help with the orders’ business. If they’d have tried harder to get him to stay he would still be here. Maybe it wasn’t just Snape’s fault but hers and Remus’ too. Then again if Snape hadn’t checked for Harry when he thought Sirius was in danger he’d still be here. Or if he hadn’t stopped giving Harry his Occlumency lessons like he was supposed to none of this would have even happened. 

Remus had given up trying to talk to her. She cooled down now the first wave of anger subsiding now into a small trickle. Her pacing slowed and Remus heaved a sigh of relief. “Rose,” he said quietly. She looked at him, preparing herself for a lecture but nothing came. Instead, he just looked at her sadly, and repeated “Oh Rose,” which made her stop, firmly she said, “It’s his fault.”  
“Rose, it’s no one’s fault,” said Arthur, “What happened to Sirius was an accident-“  
“It was murder!”  
“Well yes, but it wasn’t something anyone could have foreseen. You think if Snape had known what would happen he would have let Sirius go?”  
“Probably. He hated him, he be so petty as to let him go for all the times Sirius hurt the git's feelings.”  
“You don’t truly believe that,” Remus said.   
“Don’t I? And anyway even if he didn’t mean it, it’s still his fault. He refused to help Harry and he antagonised him. If it weren’t for him he would be here! How can you sit there and be okay with him strutting around this house while we don’t even have a body to bury.”  
“I’m not exactly pleased with the situation Rose but we have no choice!” Remus replied angrily, “Dumbledore trusts him and so we must trust him. And Sirius wouldn’t want you wallowing in grief or attacking people would he?”  
“Well, we won’t know what he’d want because he’s not here. Is he? He’s gone and he’s not coming back. For the second time in my life, he’s been ripped away from me. We planned our life together Remus. Finally bloody finally things were looking up. We were going to be together forever. Just like we planned the first time around. Finish the war, move out of this godawful house, get married and have kids-“ she stopped. Her own words too painful, like a dagger to the heart each time she said them. Remus went to console her but she pushed him away. “I can’t be here, I have to go. I just have to,” and with that, she was pushing past Kingsley and walking out into the hall. Walking towards the front door she stopped. She put on her coat and stepped out into the world. 

It was raining but it wasn’t cold but there was a definite nip in the air and the breeze made her shiver and recoil into her coat. Walking down the steps to the pavement she opted to turn right and made her way to the end of the street. She rarely left headquarters the Muggle way and found herself not knowing where to turn. She decided to continue walking until she felt better and set off along the next road. 

Ten minutes later she found herself in the centre of town, it was busy. It was around dinnertime she assumed and that meant business men and women were all around, grabbing something to eat on their lunch break. She was tutted at several times for getting in the way of pedestrians as she ambled along the pavement not knowing where to go. When the rain finally became too heavy to stay in she ducked inside a café for shelter. She bought a small cup of tea but nothing to eat, as she was still feeling sick. Rose sat watching the world turn around her. People coming and going through the small café as she sipped her drink slowly. 

She sat there for a good hour or so before she felt obliged to move. The owner had taken her cup to be washed and was slowly wiping the table down around her signalling that she should get up and leave to allow more customers in. Rose’s jacket was uncomfortable now as she had dried off in the time she'd been there but her coat was still damp. As she stepped out of the café she was torn what to do, she knew she didn’t want to go home. Though she was unsure of who would be waiting for her where she got there she was sure it would be someone. All they’d want to do is talk and ask her questions, a task she was not prepared to do. So she continued up the busy street and did some window shopping. Not particularly interested in clothes she decided to stop at the small supermarket that was on the high street to pick up some essentials. 

Even though she knew she wouldn’t be eating she bought food anyway, the familiar routine of food shopping bringing her a small amount of comfort. She moseyed along the aisles not looking for anything in particular. She stopped when she came to the medicine aisle but chose to go down it anyway. She browsed hair products and smelled body sprays and deodorants. As she was going to leave when she noticed a sign for medications. Hoping they would have an anti-sickness or travel sickness remedy she could take she stopped to scan the countless boxes that lined the shelves. 

A middle aged woman came to stand beside her and she was forced to move her trolley to the other side. They smiled at each other politely and searched for what they were looking for. On the bottom shelf was a small white and red box that read ‘anti-nausea tablets’ and she bent down to pick it up. Scanning over the information on the back she decided to get some to try.   
“Nausea huh? It’s just awful isn’t it?” Rose nodded stiffly, hoping that she’d get the hint and not talk to her, “Oh I got a terrible bout of it when I went to France. Went by ferry and it was god awful. The boat never stopped rocking, I could hardly stand up I felt so ill,” Rose nodded, trying to be polite but was becoming more and more riled at the incessant talking. “Then again I had it worse when I was pregnant! You never know it could be that!” she joked, tapping Rose on the arm. Then she picked up a box of paracetamol and bustled away, shopping basket in hand, out of the aisle. 

Rose feigned a smile but as she turned to throw the box in her basket she froze. She quickly did the maths in her head to see if it were possible. She supposed the last time she’d had her period was before she and Sirius had gotten back together. That was at least 6 weeks ago meaning she was long overdue. They hadn’t noticed, her and Sirius had been so distracted with each other it had been the last thing she’d had on her mind. Panicked she walked further down the aisle and grabbed a pregnancy test. She left the trolley and her shopping where it was and went to the checkout as fast as possible and paid. Making her way outside she walked swiftly around to the back of the store. Once she was certain she was alone she apparated to the front step of Grimmauld place. As quietly as she could she slipped through the front door. Closing it silently she tucked the box inside of her coat and padded down the hallway. She listened for voices trying to determine who was where in the house and could hear low murmuring from the sitting room off the kitchen. Careful to avoid the creaky floor boards, she crept up the stairs and to the bathroom on the first landing. 

She shut the door and locked it. Opening the packet she slipped out the test and glanced over the instructions. It was awkward at first. Rose sat on the loo and angled the stick beneath her. Eventually, she was ready and she placed it on the sink. She washed her hands and waited, perching on the bath for support. What was she going to do? Rose could only imagine what the future would be like if this turned out to be pregnant. She couldn’t do this. How would she manage to raise a baby alone? The war was getting worse by the day and without Sirius to help her, she wouldn’t manage. And then she sobbed. If she was Sirius would never even meet their baby, it would grow up without a father, as Garry had and she didn’t know how she felt about that. Sure, Harry had turned out alright despite it all but he’d suffered too. Would she really want to do that to a child? 

Rose was unsure how much time had passed while she’d be sat waiting for the test. She sighed and wiped her eyes that had become damp at the thought of Sirius. Shakily she reached forward and took the test off the side of the sink. She looked down at the small piece of plastic, her eyes locked on the two blue lines present in the small window. “Fuck.”

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to do this in multiple chapters


End file.
